You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
He is just living hist best little life 😊
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much