You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.