You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Every time my phone rings
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.