@DaNaLa13

You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women

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@conajam

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

@mack44_d

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

@BigJDubz

Kill them with kindness. Stab them in the heart with a puppy

@NickBossRoss

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

@ChrisStokdyk

Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.

@ericsshadow

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

@MomoVonTrite

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

@Reverend_Scott

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

@danielleweisber

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

@yayraptor

interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]