interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me: you don’t remember me do you?
You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!
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Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Kill them with kindness. Stab them in the heart with a puppy
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
interviewer: what is ur weakness?
me: follow up questions
interview: care to elaborate?
me: [quivers with fear]