@DaNaLa13
@conajam
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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@conajam
@mack44_d
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
@BigJDubz
Kill them with kindness. Stab them in the heart with a puppy
@NickBossRoss
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
@ChrisStokdyk
Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.
@ericsshadow
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
@MomoVonTrite
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
@Reverend_Scott
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
@danielleweisber
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
@yayraptor
interviewer: what is ur weakness?
me: follow up questions
interview: care to elaborate?
me: [quivers with fear]