“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.