You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
i want enemies
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
…u ok Nintendo?
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I love twitter
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming