Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

in 3 months

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.