You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch