Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

he looks great for his age

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.