You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
You Might Also Like
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.