You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.