Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder