You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.