You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?