You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.