You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
pelicons
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining