You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
this has to be peak English
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Fries, cheese curds and gravy on a crushed cracker crust.
Poutine on the Ritz.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.