Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

this… may be the greatest story ever told

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

rip to my favourite tweet

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…