You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.


8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up


I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.


Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family


Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.


me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes


*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.


Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.


Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.


Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]