You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
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Florida man
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Love it! 👍😂
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.