Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening