You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
You Might Also Like
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
This joke is 7 years old
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
These are so Plastic Man-core
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war