Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh