You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Something Saturday.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.