You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
#parenting
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too