You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.