You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You Might Also Like
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
shakira sharkira
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits