Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.