you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Has there ever been a more American story?
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If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
😭😭😭
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.