You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
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Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Chemical wingman
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
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