You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards