You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm