You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
what’s in a name?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
🖕🏻👽
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”