Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.