YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
i want to work in this restaurant
