YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
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thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I am never leaving this website
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
why would tinder want me to say this
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is