Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.