Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝