Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

Yes my dude

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.