“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka