“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.