Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They got Raph!

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*