You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Baller is short for ballerina
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.