You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
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Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.