You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.