Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.