You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…