You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”