You don’t even know
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if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ