You don’t even know
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I beg your pardon?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on