You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
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I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron