You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Happy Friday
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WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk