“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Moms. The original autocorrect.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
my professor scared me for a second
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*