“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene