“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
This will never not be funny 😭
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
crying
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
