Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?

Does anybody know if this service is still available?

Thanks in advance.

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

best first i’ve ever seen

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

I camp so other people don’t have to.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.