You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS