You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
i could never be president. im overqualified.