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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
plant them where lol
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?