You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My life in a nutshell
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven