You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
finally found a reasonable question
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.