You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
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“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
👽
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