You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’d hang this in my house.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”