You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
You Might Also Like
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Waiting for the Charmin
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My age is news to me every single time I remember
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”