You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Passwords are more important than ever.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier