Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

imagine getting destroyed like this

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

A great tip. #CakeRex