Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.