You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.