Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you