You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
You Might Also Like
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said