You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes