Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Put my back out twerking in the library again

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

From Facebook just now…

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long