You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
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What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Shoo shoo! 😂
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
need a new bf mines broken 😐