“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.