“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome