“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Omg 🤣
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!